Here are some quotes for your English Shakespeare essay – enjoy.

Bugger, I copied the wrong page. Oh well, you’ll just have to make do with some Derren quotes instead. I’m sure your English teacher will be pleased… although I’m sure I would give a prize to the person who submits an essay with at least half of the quotes listed below. That or a free pass to a secure mental unit of your choice.

  • “Fingers: We all have them and shouldn’t be ashamed of them.”
    From Trick of the Mind.
  • “I am so bad it would anger you”.
    This was when Derren was talking about football.
  • “Laugh at me at school would they? Soon they will all pay. The fools! I’ll teach them I’ll teach them to mock me. No I’ll teach them not to mock me. Yes.”
    From Pure Effect.
  • “I’m going to physically restrain you if that’s all right, I’m sure it’s nothing you’re not used to.”
    From Trick of the Mind.
  • “Seems the seance has become the most complained-about show. It received 700 complaints. I might add that the prospect of me blowing my head off on live TV last year attracted only twenty. Fair enough, I suppose.”
    From Derren’s website
  • “I control the conditions so my testers become my testees.”
    From Mind Control.
  • “No. It makes no sense!” From Devil’s Picturebook (it’s the way here says it that makes it funny).
  • “Welcome to your very own DVD of me, DVB and Mind Control
  • “I get on my knees every morning and thank Christ that this one didn’t get shown”
    From Inside your Mind DVD referring to the Tea Dance not being included in Mind Control.
  • “Of course it’s very amusing if you go back and watch this. It does appear I could be talking about my cock when I’m revealing the present that she was thinking of.”
    From Tea Dance section.
  • “Hi, I’m Derren Brown, star of Derren Brown: Mind Control, with Derren Brown”
  • “Although on the one hand none of what I do is psychic, equally, in the same breath, it is not hard science either.”
  • “I’ve stopped dying my hair now. The next stage is to get them to stop covering up my bald path with make-up, twigs, sticks and poo.”
    From commentary over Models Effect.
  • I just gave him my weariest look and said “Look, John, I don’t really break the spoons, it’s an illusion.”
    He said “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah” and just walked off with his hands full of broken spoons.” From commentary over ‘Fork Bending’ Effect.
  • “Oxford University. Could have gone there. Decided to go to Bristol instead, which was great.”
  • “I did set fire to Ross Bartlet’s Dad’s boat when I was nine……..I ran home and said “Ross’ Dad is having a bonfire. I’m going to bed now. Bye. I went to bed and just prayed to die.”
    From interview on Inside Your Mind
  • “Did you enjoy that one? Not much. Well, never mind, there will be some pole dancers in the next one and you can look at them instead!”
    Link from E4 Mind Control Night.
  • “Now I know what you are thinking. How did he know what was draw in the envelope? Clearly I must have detected in his voice the accent of my home town, Bristol, so he only going to be thinking of a tractor, or marrying your own sister. A tractor’s easier to draw, so Bob’s your uncle and your Dad! And you’d be right!”
    Link from E4 Mind Control Night.
  • “Few things make me more livid than insulting bad theatre of any sort. Conversely, perfectly realised and exquisitely elegant performance can move me deeply and reduce me to sobbing like a big girl.”
    Absolute Magic
  • “…and I sit here stunningly naked.”
    From Absolute Magic
  • After standing in Clenched Position trying not to fart for a minute or so….”
    From Absolute Magic
  • “One minute she is a sweet old silly, knitting herself a set of syringe covers and talking about her favourite flowers, and the very next moment she has told you and your friends she has a ring supporting the back of her vagina.”
    From Absolute Magic
  • “I had to get up at five in the morning to push that man around the market and the only reason why I do this job, my only motivation is that I don’t have to get up early. And I didn’t even get a free apple. Bastards!”
    Link from E4 Mind Control Night.
  • “Charming! Sat there in his white jeans and wanted me to fail. I don’t know what he had against me. I’m sure it was nothing to do with my over use of the word podia, which I hopped would irritate him a little bit more than it did. Some people!”
    Link from E4 Mind Control Night.
  • “Have your cake and eat it… there’s no other reason to have a cake”
    From interview on Inside Your Mind
  • “By the end of the evening all but one of them will be dead. Only kidding. I give them a week.”
    From Séance.